Currently Reading Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel (Vintage Contemporaries) By Arthur Golden see related

Sometimes the world is full of beautiful things, sometimes those beautiful things are tarnished by the ugliness of circumstance. 

Do you ever feel utter lost in your life? Just when you thought things were going in your favor.  My life has been turned upside down several times in the past month. I'm not sure who I am or what I'm doing? I wish I could be a kid again, where the most difficult decision was deciding whether or not I was going to be play kickball or red rover at recess...

Currently Listening I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor By Arctic Monkeys see related

Why do the good girls always go for the wrong guys???

I despise the fact that my blog is slowly, but surely becoming an endless rant about guys, nevertheless here I am...

How could I have been so foolish as to think going for someone like that guy would have worked out? Everyone told me, "Heidi, you're sooo much better than him. He's not on your level. He is not your type at all." I didn't even realize I had a "type," but apparently according to my friends I do. The "type" I normally go to (according to the experts) is, "uppity (thanks Andy), extremely intelligent, attractive, accomplished and often has money."  Gosh, that description makes me sound like Anna Nicole Smith--what a gold-diggin' bitch I am. 

No, but I mean really...what was I thinking? I guess maybe the loneliness or wanting a connection with someone so badly finally got to me.  What upsets me the most about the situation isn't necessarily that he wasn't "into me," but was that he lied to my friends about the situation, which despite the fact that they've known him for their entire lives, they still believe me.  This speaks poorly of his character and hopefully highly of mine. Yet, I'm still left unsatisfied by the situation. I've been burned one too many times. I think I'll seriously just run off and join the covenant some where. Nuns can still masturbate, right?

Currently Reading Runner's World Best Getting Started (Runner's World Best) By Editors Runner's World Magazine see related

Rainy Days and white mocha dreams....

It's raining here...I appreciate the gentleness and solitude a rainy day provides..went to get my usual from Latteland during my afternoon stroll..mmmmm...love white mochas. It's funny, while I've persuaded many friends and family members to give up bad habits and adapt healthier lifestyles, I've yet to let go of my daily jump start of caffeine. Oh well..we all have our weaknesses, guess white mochas with lots of whip cream (PLEASE!) are mine.  Every girl needs to indulge a lil' bit...

WHOA, I just realized it's March...almost time for St. Patty's Day (my 2nd fav holiday!) and this year is sure to be quite the celebration. I'm excited for all of my friends coming in from out-of-town. I love visitors and having company!  Also, graduation in May is quickly approaching..Yikesbee!  I am feeling all sorts of emotions as this big day approaches. It's definitely a momentous occasion, (more for the family and friends, who have been supporting me to get to this day) but one that I've been slightly apprehensive about. I don't even know why, maybe the idea of "officially" having to be an adult.  I mean I guess in many ways I've been functioning as an "adult" for a while now. I've been paying bills, maintaining a diligent and consistent work history, having semi-adult/serious/committed relationships and basically taking care of myself.

I think the older I get, the more I realize and value the people I've been blessed with in my life...some have come, some have gone, some have come back into my life again.  I've also realized the older I get the more spiritual I get, not necessarily religious, but spiritual.  I believe God or whomever reigns above us does actually have a plan and reason for me being here. I'm not going to let Him or Her down.

I guess that is my biggest fear--disappointing..I hate disappointing people more than anything and so I guess being the eternal optimist (yes, beneath the facade of cyncism there is an optimist) I believe that people will not disappoint me and when they do I lose a little bit of that which makes me hope and believe in others.

Currently Listening Play By Moby became obsessed with all of his stuff again see related

I want to have good sex again!

So I haven't had good sex in a while and all the sudden I'm craving it! The last time I had sex....hmmmm....Wow, there was a long pause there..that can't be a good sign. The last time I had sex the guy, who will refer to as Peter (kind of fitting, me thinks) insisted on telling me that he didn't want attachment, but now calls and texts me all the time. "I don't want sex to turn into something emotional?" Was he saying this out loud to himself? Because I certainly am not the one texting and calling all the time.  My drunken response, "I'm a feminist...I love sex!" What does that even mean? 

The last time I had sex, I did not have an orgasm, but faked one very well. I know, I know..all of you guys out there reading this are probably shaking your fists in the air in frustration, but sometimes a girl just needs her beauty rest.  

I'm not saying I've NEVER had good sex, I mean of course I have..I'm just saying I haven't had it in a while. Maybe sex is only good when in a relationship or at the very least with a consistent hook-up, so those pseudo feelings are there.  Why can't it be like when I was little or even back in high school, when I never really thought about sex. I mean I thought about it, but I didn't crave it and I certainly did not think about it this often.  Oh, to go back to those days of innocence. Ugh...alright, I'm going to go eat some chocolate.